You know, some of you are saying, “Jacque, we know how to swing a machete!” Well, I seriously doubt it. I am not trying to be rude. I just know what I used to believe….that I could swing a machete. I also used to believe that, in the movies, that ringing noise that people made chopping things with a machete was a foley sound….NOPE! That’s the sound of chopping properly with a machete.
That’s right. You haven’t been doing it right unless you hear that RING when you flick the tip of the machete through some vines (or your finger John). The rest of the machete is for hacking or chopping wood….not swinging like Indiana Jones through the jungle. So, here are some helpful pointers on machetes and their uses (or not uses).
It's a jungle out there - iStock photo
- A dull machete is a piece of useless metal. The only thing you can do with it is hurt yourself or embarrass yourself.
- A sharp machete in the wrong hands is a useless piece of metal (and you know the rest….)
- If you are going into deep thickets, a machete can save you a lot of scratches (or be a pain in the arse!)
- Carrying a machete around in the wilderness with all that other crap is a BAD idea. You will either…..you know!
- Most small shrubs and trees have branches that can be snapped off easier than hacking poorly with a bad machete.
- Machetes are not the best tool for woody vines….fire is best for that, or giant rabbits, or magic! Nothing else seems to work for us.
- Machete holsters are stupid and so are you for trying to pretend like you know how to use one….get a real one that straps to your leg and your belt….otherwise – there is a distinct possibility that you will trip and stab yourself with that blade….sounds fun huh!
- A sharp machete will cut fingers….right John!! If I tell you to be careful and that I just sharpened the machetes, I probably did and you probably should!! lol luckily we all know first aid!
- Rubbing oil on your machete will keep it from rusting – WD40 works too….this is serious….rub it carefully!
- You can probably put the machete down and do what we do – stop almost stabbing yourself, cutting your coworkers in your swing radius, and just MOVE THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR WAY!!! We have saved countless hours, many serious injuries, and maybe even a life but doing completely away with using it in the field. And, yes, we survey! We use a total station and have found that using our hands to move only what is necessary is much more effective and efficient….TRUST ME – we have done hundreds of surveys in extreme conditions….it works!
Machetes are still in our truck. We like to see who grabs one when we take them in the field – this is how we gauge new field partners. For those of you who have worked with us and grabbed a machete thinking that’s what we would do – we still love you but you need some more time in the forest and swamps! Chicks with Ticks Go Anywhere – without machetes!!
Somehow it seems more ecological or environment friendly to enter into the “jungle” without a large piece of relatively useless steel (sharp or not).
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Most trees recover well from a minor proper chopping – but it is more friendly NOT to chop if you don’t have to. With the equipment we have available today, “cutting a line”, a huge path of destruction through the forest – IS UNNECESSARY!! So – yep! There are times we use a well, placed cut – but haven’t in many years!
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I love your site!
And thank you so much for the tutorial on using a machete. Unfortunately, the only time I’ve had the chance to wield a machete, I didn’t know what I was doing. Instead of using it properly, I erupted into my version of a Bollywood dance- which was also poorly done. I have used a scithe, which I think is the anemic little cousin of the machete. I am happy to know that should the chance arise again, I will feel better prepared to do some machete trail blazing- with caution and consideration of course.
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I really want to see the Bollywood Dance!! I always thought I knew how to use one – little did I know! I also walked into a few “swing radius” before I finally remembered to follow at a distance! I am so glad you visited and enjoyed – even more loved that you shared! Maybe share a story or two…love to hear them! Thanks!
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Are you serious?
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We stopped using machettes years ago. Live vines are too springy. Just get a pair of ordinary gardening/pruning shears and snip a few vines in well thought out places. Go around the obstacle if you can.
If you use a sharpshooter shovel or a hand auger in your work swing it down from over your head and walk across the top of the beaten down vines. Again, assuming you MUST get down that exact path for some reason.
On large jobs (1,200 ac) with heavy Katrina/Gustav tree fall debris a Polaris Ranger side-by-side 4×4 with 1/4 inch sheet steel armour got us through stuff we couldn’t have chain-sawed in days. However, that level of field work is hen’s teeth rare. 98% of the time a pair of clippers is all you really need.
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Like I mentioned – we rarely use anything now except the yard sticks! Works great and serves so many purposes. I agree with the shovel though – that technique does work well. Thanks for visiting – I hope you are enjoying the blog!!
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Hmm. Sheath, not holster. Holsters are for guns, cell phones and flashlights.
If you’re having trouble cutting woody vines with a machete, either your blade isn’t sharp enough or you’re trying to cut it straight on. Try about a 45 degree angle and it should work. Might take more than one swing, but it’ll cut. Trust me. There are vines in my yard that I can practically swing from and my machete will still take care of them.
There are guys who know way more than I about machetes that post at bladeforums–I’ve only got two so far; one that I use for edging the lawn and grass and weeds and another that I use for just about everything else. Look up Pict, Joezilla and FortyTwoBlades. Pict and Joezilla have excellent videos on youtube on using machetes, under the names Colhane and Jeepzillajoe.
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I agree, if you don’t know how to swing a machete you shouldn’t. But, you gave NO info on proper technique in this article so I don’t understand why this article was even created other than a passive aggressive rant on people who do use them. Do a google search on “how to swing a machete” and read the first result by machete specialists. A tool is only as good as the user.
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This post is humor – do a google search on how to laugh…have fun…and relax!!
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I enjoyed your article. But I still want to learn how to use a machete. I just got my first machete and I want to do some trail maintenance with it. Can I still get into heaven, if heaven exists?
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Nothing funnier than watching (from a safe distance!) a beginner flailing with a machete. Here in the East they are essential. greenbrier, multiflora rose, bittersweet, kudzu, honeysuckle, the list goes on.
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