Most of you are asking, “Hey Jacque, how am I supposed to behave around scorpions?” I know, it’s a complicated situation. So, I put together this little Cheat Sheet so you will feel like a pro.

  1. Scorpions are horrible – remember that. They are creepy, nasty, ugly, scary, sneaky little arachnids that are a cross between a spider and an alien that wants to eat me  you! If you remember this – you may be okay. If you disagree, you are plainly an alien who wants to eat me, too.
  2. Scorpions love dry places. Under pine bark is their number one favorite place to hang out. Luckily, I don’t hang out there, unluckily, I work in forests. Please do NOT disturb pine bark unless YOU WANT TO SEE SCORPIONS (and termites – which aren’t that bad). If someone tells you that scorpions live under the bark and you still insist on kicking it (MIK) then don’t run to me crying when one gets on your shoe!
  3. If, for any reason, you are in my presence and happen to see a scorpion and think, “It would be so funny to put this near Jacque,” I will not find it amusing. Like I said – they eat your brains, just like zombies….yeah – I know they’re small – THEY ARE SNEAKY…..on those freaky little spiderish legs. And I will NOT scream (even though Kristen and several other people who will remain nameless say that I screamed a lot) and anyone who says I did is a liar. Hey – who’s the expert here?

    Alien Evil

  4. Scorpions love to get into small places where you need to put your hands, like wells and pipes, so look first – here is the old rule – THAT’S WHY THEY CALL THEM STICKS DUH!! Put one of those in there first, genius….
  5. Scorpions sting. Yep. They sting. Florida versions of scorpion are supposed to be rather harmless but I disagree. I think scorpions wrote that crap. They WANT us to think that – I’ll bet they’re sitting there in that nice cozy well pipe saying, “I can’t wait until that idiot human sticks its hand in here instead of a stick – ha ha!” Stinger…remember…poison…allergic…swelling! Anyway – it’s your hand.
  6. When you finally do see the scorpion and realize that there isn’t just one but one covered in hundreds of babies – that is NOT CUTE!!! Please do not say it is. This makes you look like a sympathizer. Yeah – I said it – looks and sounds like you are on their side. Baby scorpions are just small scorpions. They are carnivorous, cannibalistic, and gross. GOT IT?
  7. Once you see it, pass by it, and get through it – do not tell anyone how much I you screamed! If you do, I will feed you to the scorpions. And, lastly – I AM NOT AFRAID OF SCORPIONS. I just happen to know more about them that most people – I thought I owed it to you to share. You’re Welcome!
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